LETTING GO… A Parent’s Guide to Enjoying the Journey

Last week, I had the amazing privilege of dropping off my son to the place he will call home for the next four years. While this was CERTAINLY difficult to do, (I mean, he’s my baby… my first born… He’s never been away from home for an extended length of time before…) it was one of the proudest moments of my adult life. I took him to one of the greatest universities in the country to live, eat, breathe, think, and grow on his own. How could I possibly have made it through this ordeal without completely losing it????? Well, I did it. He did it. And we are all off to the start of the newest chapter of our awesome journey. BUT HOW???? How can letting go be so easy?

As a parent, letting go is not easy. It has never been easy. But if you think about it, we have been practicing “letting go” for a while now. When it was time for them to get out of our bed and into their own. When it was time to transition them from breastfeeding to a cup. When they advanced from diapers to “big-boy” pants. When they went from crawling to walking, being at home to going to preschool, training wheels to “big-boy” wheels, baby teeth to permanent teeth, elementary, middle and high school, all have moments in which we are constantly letting go.

Where the ease comes is knowing that in order for them to grow into the beautiful person God called them to be, we HAVE TO let go. We cannot hinder their maturation because of our selfish (let’s face it 😊) desires to hold on to the beauty of this amazing stage and not let them advance to the next. The intimate moments of breastfeeding were SO miraculous to me. I breast fed both of my children for a year, and I cherished that bonding time I had with each of them. Similarly to having them in the bed with me, or at home with me, and even in my belly. However, at some point, holding on to those moments, verses setting them free can become detrimental to their development.

My ability to let go, rests in two things: preparation and faith. Throughout the process of their growth, I have come to invest heavily in preparing them for the upcoming chapter of life. While enjoying the crawling phase, I am mindful that ultimately, our goal is for him to walk. Though he is SOOOO cute crawling around at top speeds on all four legs and I would love to hold on to these precious moments, I have to prepare him to not grow comfortable with being on four legs, but two. It is scary. I mean, what if he falls, he will hurt himself. He is several more feet off the floor on two legs than four. There are many more dangers at that height, I will have to buy him shoes, and he will walk so slowly and wobbly for quite a while. This is all so true, but not enough to stop the need to advance him. As parents, we need to do as much as we can to prepare our children for the next phases in their journey. When we do that to the best of our ability, we can rest in that preparation when ‘go time’ comes.

Finally, we have to have faith. While parenting, we become heavily reliant on our ability to control the situations in our child’s life. As long as they use our methods and do things our way, in our presence, they will be safe and free from harm. We shackle them (with good intentions of course 😊) to our best practices we deem THE ONE TRUE WAY. While we certainly have our child’s best interest at heart, we must have faith in not only all we have taught them, but in a God who has them in the palm of His hand. Surely, we don’t want them to fail. It is gut-wrenching to watch them fall off that bike all 25 times after removing the training wheels. But I often ask the question, “DID THEY DIE THOUGH????” As silly as it sounds, it is so true. They did not die, they got better. They got up, brushed themselves off and went right back at it until they nailed it. Have faith in the learning process. Have faith in all you taught them, and ultimately, have faith in God.

Though we are only on week one of this great college journey, I am excited about the growth that will happen. My son knows we are here to guide and help him throughout his adventures. However, the training wheels have been removed and ultimately, I have had to relinquish the reigns and come to terms with a lifetime of increased ‘letting go’. As time goes on, I will find myself letting go even more as he pursues a career, a home, a wife, family and life of his own. The thought of it can be overwhelming, but the other side of birth, bottles, diapers, training wheels, baby teeth, and kindergarten, are great adventures that help them become all God has called them to be. I am SO grateful to be a part of the great preparation process. And now I will rest in faith that he will continue to exceed our greatest expectations. In the meantime, we will be right here in the stands cheering him on through his amazing journey.

No matter what chapter you and your child are currently scripting, know that letting go is all a part of your beautiful story. May you enjoy it to the fullest!!! 😊

Forgiving Mom…

I recently had the honor of speaking at a Women’s Day event at a church in my area. There, in front of a few hundred amazing ladies, I was able to share my testimony and some of the amazing ways God has been so faithful in my life. It was a great time of fellowship, celebration, food, fun and most of all, love. At the conclusion of the event, I was able to exchange with some of the ladies one on one. They opened up and shared some of their testimonies with me. They noted many of the commonalities we had in our stories. One topic that kept coming up in my discussions was the many women affected by “mom hurt.” What is mom hurt, you say? It is the hurt many encounter during a painful childhood, mostly due to a difficult experience with their mom.

As we approach Mother’s Day, I’d like to address this issue head on. I realize it is a REAL pain. Though many women have had a wonderful relationship with their mother; she was supportive, caring, loving etc. SO many women/men have experienced the opposite. Perhaps their mom wasn’t around. She abandoned them during their childhood. She put them second to a career, addiction, boyfriends etc. Whatever the case, she did not perform her duties/responsibilities to THEIR standards. And of course, THOSE standards are the “normal,” reasonable expectations that should come very naturally to ANY mother. I GET IT!

But what if those typical/normal/reasonable standards DIDN’T come naturally to her? What if she TRULY did the BEST she knew during that time? What if, she was completely consumed with immaturity, selfishness, greed, etc.??? What if she was only doing what was done to her? What if the pain she inflicted on her children was not intentional? And even still, what if she DID know how badly she was behaving, but did it anyway? That HORRIBLE mom is not worthy of love, honor, respect, or ESPECIALLY forgiveness. I mean, LOOK AT ALL THE PAIN SHE CAUSED!!!!

I can TOTALLY relate to these feelings. My mother-daughter childhood experience was interrupted by some of the very things I mentioned earlier; like addiction, neglect, abuse and abandonment, and it had some MAJORLY devastating impacts on my life. However, a wise person once told me, you can’t expect someone to give you what they don’t have. It is like walking up to a friend and asking them for $1,000, but all they have is $400. Because it seems NORMAL for us all to have $1000 on hand, does it give us a pass to lay in perpetual bitterness? Gloom? Doom? If they only have $400? “I mean, if they had $1000 to give me, I would be SOOOO much better off.” “What in the world can I POSSIBLY do with only $400????” “I NEED ALL $1000!!!!!!”

Many people today have suffered YEARS of pain, frustration, bitterness and unforgiveness because a mom did not live up to the expectation she was charged to fulfill. Though this can have a major impact on the life and welfare of children, it does not give ANYONE a license for a lifetime of unforgiveness.  As we grow older, we can find healing and ways to repair the brokenness caused by a negligent mother. When we accept a relationship with Christ, He can fill the holes and suffering left from our painful encounters. He can and will send replacements for the loneliness and sense of abandonment, to where the absence of a loving mother will seem insignificant. However, we block His hand when we choose to hold on to feelings of resentment, revenge, anger and bitterness.

If we simply consider the scripture, we have no choice but to forgive our mom. “You have NO idea what my mom did to me!!!” You say. Though I have not been in your situation, I DO understand how you feel. As children, our moms take up the greatest real estate in our heart. They are the givers of life. They are supposed to love us like no other. They are supposed to cherish us and sacrifice their very life so that we become all God has called us to be. I DO UNDERSTAND THAT. However, we are called to honor our parents. We are called to walk in love, even when that person has hurt us deeply.

After YEARS of a strained relationship, my mother and I are restoring a beautiful bond. It has not been easy, but true love and forgiveness has guided our hearts to mend and repair what was once broken. I am so grateful my kids get to see my mother at her BEST. That I get to enjoy a renewed exchange while we are both mature, healthy, and whole. That we get to share this beautiful time together free of residue or expectation.

The relationship between a mother and child is paramount. There is nothing like it. When it is damaged, it can hurt like no other. And though it can cause some major scars, God is the ultimate plastic surgeon. It is nothing that can’t be repaired.  Surely, you may never be best friends, go over each other’s house every day, or even do the things you once did. Nevertheless, I pray you get your heart to a place of forgiveness. Where your current day or future success and happiness are not hindered by hate or anger. Where you are not plagued by the expectations that weren’t met in your life. That you no longer hold her accountable for unpleasant outcomes you endured. And that you release her from the bondage of your grief. Instead, may you seek love freely given by the greatest healer. May you let HIM heal your wounds and fill your heart with the greatest love of all. And may you go on to Mother from a place of grace and peace, because no person, encounter or thing has the power to stop you from enjoying every drip drop of your amazing journey!!! BLESSINGS TO YOU!!! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!!

It’s Time, Girl, For GIRL TIME!!!

Hey you… Super Girl! Yeah, YOU!!! I know you are busy out there getting er’ done, rockin’ out like the BOSS that you are. On top of ALL the things you do every day, you are also going to church, working out, reading and serving, and doing all the things to help keep your awesome self, awesome. However, I have yet ANOTHER way to help extend the life of your awesomeness…You already know what it is, GOOD OLD GIRL TIME!!!!! YEEEESSSSSSS MA’AM!!!!

I don’t know about you, but I am fortunate enough to have been surrounded by amazing gals my entire life. Whether in high school, college, during my career, at church and even as a stay at home mom, I have been blessed with some GREAT girlfriends! Though life can get super busy and seasons change, friends move away, the benefit of time with friends never changes.

I’m not talking about any old gals. I’m not talking about getting together to gossip. To compare titles and status.  I’m talking about those equally-yoked friends. Those ones that challenge you to be great. Ones that celebrate with you. Ones that can pray for you in times of need and talk you off the cliff. Ones that will come to your baby shower and share their parenting experiences for extra support. And YES, ones you can, eat, shop and enjoy life with.

As we get older, our schedules and calendars are bombarded with so many tasks. We wear so many hats and are responsible for so much. Of course, the grace of God is sufficient to get it all done in excellence. But sometimes, we don’t allow time in our schedule to breathe. Our lives are out of balance. We don’t make time for ourselves and we don’t make time for our friends. Sometimes we even go into an isolation phase, where girlfriends or anything else becomes yet another item to check off. I GET IT!!!!! However, we were created for fellowship. Sometimes a couple hours with some amazing gals, is just what we need for some rejuvenation, redirection, recharging and some REAL laughs out loud!

For the last few months I have been intentional about making time for the beautiful women God has blessed me to know. I know they are not in my life by accident and we don’t even talk every day. But whether enjoying a girls’ night out, brunch, shopping, dinner and movie, massages, vision parties, morning walks, or even road trips, my life would not be as rich without them and our amazing time together. They inspire me. They push me past my comfort zones. They celebrate me and love me right where I am and I am better because of it.

I also realize my friends are not here to just benefit me. I am careful to bring my supply to my crew as well. Whether an encouraging text, a kind gift or gesture, a thoughtful act, a love exchange or time together, my girls know I got their back and am here for them too. Sometimes we can underestimate our role in a friend’s life. We think they seem to have it all together and don’t need us. Quite the contrary, there are gifts, talents, knowledge, wisdom, experience and other goodies we have that add so much value to the lives of people in our circle.

Anyone that knows me, knows I LOOOOVE my kids. I make time for my husband, take care of our home and maintain a busy schedule. However, over the years, I am FULLY aware of how rich my life is with the women God has strategically placed in my path. They add SO much color to my life. Our time together is so valuable to me. I look forward to it and am so replenished after each encounter. I pray that you cultivate relationships with gals that brighten your life. That you know how much your light brightens theirs and that you allow those relationships to add amazing experiences to your awesome journey.

I meet with these AWESOME gals every month (ish) 🙂 for dinner and great times. We all “Mom So Hard” yet make time to get together for some much needed girl time… I am so grateful they all live close by. They are SUCH a blessing to me!!!!

This awesome gal and I have been friends for 10+ years. We used to teach together, but since I have retired, we are sure to meet monthly for girl time, brunch, shopping, movies, family celebrations and even road trips. She makes EVERYTHING a BLAST!!!

I don’t get to see these awesome ladies often, so when we are all in town together, we are sure to connect for great fellowship. We love and laugh and share our dreams and hold each other accountable. They are such an inspiration to me…

I was recently able to enjoy another great day with this awesome gal!!! Though she is younger than me, we are able to share our experiences and celebrate the various milestones on our journey. She is a major talent on the rise. I love sharing adventures with her…

At the beginning of the year, I enjoyed a vision board slumber party with these amazing gals from my church. It was a great time of food, fellowship, shopping, movies, girl talk, and creating and sharing vision boards. Though we see each other in church, we also celebrate on holidays and other major dates. I love doing life with these gals…

An AMAZING friend, whom I’ve loved and admired for 20+ years came down for a weekend. We enjoyed great conversation, eating, shopping, massages and just unfiltered time together. We don’t get to see each other often, but when we do, it is so refreshing. We had a BLAST and I look forward to another getaway soon!!!!

A Healthy Balance of Work and Family…

My grandparents raised me for some of my childhood. I remember my grandmother picking us up from school each day. I remember my grandfather coming home from work by 5pm and my grandmother having a hot meal on the table by 6pm. There we discussed all that happened throughout our day. Most nights we even had dessert. After cleaning the kitchen, we all gathered together for some sort of evening activity such as playing cards, fishing, putting a puzzle together, etc. followed by watching Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and the 8:00pm show for the night before going to bed.

Those were the good old days so to speak. What the heck happened? Somewhere along the past few decades that modest yet loving lifestyle has gotten lost in translation. It has been overridden by the desire for more. The fulfillment of family time has been traded for the demands of the workplace and the need to stay busy. The respect and admiration once given to a homemaker/stay-at-home-mom, has gone to the one who can seemingly juggle the most. The excitement of the child standing at the door waiting to greet their parent after work, is replaced with a kiss on the cheek during their night’s sleep. While the love, time, energy and devotion once given to a marriage is exchanged for idle time on social media, shopping and glasses of wine to fulfill a missing void only a spouse can satisfy.

The problem with this is we have sacrificed the sanctity of our family. We tell our children and our spouse each day where they rank in our lives based on where they fall on our priority list.  We convince ourselves that our family comes first, yet they understand full well that they are among the last. Most of our world revolves around the demands of our jobs and our household gets what is left over. Perhaps we only work 8-10 hours a day, but we drive an hour each way. Once we arrive home, we have our phones and laptops attached to our hip like a doctor on call. And we devote an entire room for our at-home office in order to accommodate the after hour requests.

Now that everyone in the house has a place of obligation, each morning is filled with the family’s individual race to their day’s destination. Peace is maintained as long as neither party oversteps their lane into the other’s. There is time for work, school, and perhaps an athletic activity to occupy each day’s agenda, off to bed and then repeat…

I believe most parents and spouses have good intentions. You will hear the frequent reflection, “I just want to give my family the life I never had.” I appreciate that effort. However, what was so bad about living in a 3-bedroom 1-bathroom house? What was so bad about homecooked meals? What was so bad about hand-me-downs and DIY projects for the family? If it means more time with YOU? I know the comforts of life cost money. I understand raising kids is a huge expense, and the price of living requires us to work for sure. But judging by the value of our cars, size of our houses, brands of our clothing, updates on our gadgets, I’d say it’s looking a bit more like selfish ambition vs. the desire to provide.

I hope everyone fulfills their desires. I hope we advance in our careers, pursue higher level degrees, start businesses, all that. But I pray it is not at the expense of our families. It was not easy on my ego to step away from a teaching career I loved dearly. I worked so hard to earn that master’s degree and was doing very well in my journey. But when the demands of the career interfered with the increasing requirements of my family, I had to shut it down. Sure, it has been a MAJOR sacrifice. Especially financially. But I realized I had to prioritize my assignment as a wife and mother. It had to come first. Here I am 5 years later, it has been one of the best decisions of my life.

After almost 20 years of marriage and raising 2 children, I would say there were two main decisions we made early on that helped preserve the balance of home and work life:

  1. We built our budget and livelihood on one salary. Though every force in our world told us to borrow and spend the max, we only used my husband’s salary as a base for our purchases.  This decision gave us the wiggle room to make financial adjustments for our family when necessary. It protected us during times of recession when companies decided to make major cuts in salaries, raises and health care. It made it much easier to step away from my teaching job when the demands of our family increased. Though it meant a smaller house than what we could have gotten, we didn’t miss a beat and it proved to be a MAJOR benefit for us all.
  2. Protect “peak time.” Most kids are in school for about 7 hours each day. From the time they get home from school until they go to bed is peak time. Weekends are included in this. As for us, we make sure we are present during their peak time. I put away my phone and give them my undivided love and attention. I show them they are my priority. Similarly to the time I found so sacred with my grandparents, we eat together each night, we discuss the events of our day, and we spend quality time engaging in activities we all can enjoy. It has proven to help maintain the sanctity of our union and helps us all keep things in perspective.

Whether we choose to work full-time or part-time; whether we are a stay-at-home parent, or even a single parent, we have to maintain the preeminence of our family.  They have to know they come FIRST in our lives. We communicate this each day by the decisions we make to secure their seat in our agenda. I love all the women’s empowerment movements. I celebrate the advancements in career and education. I even understand the idea of providing the best life we can for our children. However, we have to acknowledge that the “best life” for our children and spouse is a balanced life. One where they are safe and secure. One where they can learn and grow and feel loved and celebrated. One where honor and respect abound, and priorities are intact. When our families are healthy and whole, the need for gadgets, high-ticket items, approval from others diminish. They are secure in the love that is cultivated in the home and will go out and do amazing things in their journey. I pray you cultivate a healthy balance between work and home and that you are intentional about making the necessary adjustments to not only saying your family comes first but showing them that they do. Blessings to you. 😊

NO RECEPTION…


If you are anywhere near my age, you remember, or at least have heard of a day when after a certain time of night, the TV screen turned dark and was covered with various colored lines… when all the streets were still, the stores were closed… When dinner was served sometime around 6pm and after about 10pm, there was nothing left to do but sleep…
I’m not quite sure when exactly it began, but somewhere along the timeline in the last few years, stores and restaurants began staying open until 10/11pm, TV and all other forms of media stayed on all night and cellphones allowed people a 24-hour all access pass to anything and anyone… WOW!!!! Times have surely changed. Seems like a total maximization of 24 hours!!!! Sounds AMAZING right????
Last month, I celebrated my 42nd birthday (HEEEEEEEEEY!!!! 😊). Because it falls on the Christmas holiday, my family and I were on our Christmas family vacation in Phoenix. What a BEAUTIFUL place, during an AMAZING time of year, with my FAVORITE people on the planet!!! We had a wonderful time together. However, my birthday was EXTRA SPECIAL. My husband took me to the Grand Canyon. And though we had lived in Arizona a few years back, I had never been. I guess I just never had the desire to see a giant hole in the earth?????? Nevertheless, we grabbed our coats, put on our sweats and hiking shoes and made the 3 ½ hour drive to Flagstaff.
The ride itself was BEAUTIFUL!!! But I must say, when I arrived at the Canyon, I WAS SPEECHLESS. The sight of it literally took my breath away. I was overcome by awe and cried instantly. What an unbelievable wonder to behold!!! Every step I took allowed for a different view of this monument of gloriousness!!! But what was equally as amazing as the sight, was the nothingness that happened during our time there…
It was EVERYTHING!!!! My husband and I did what we do often in our moments like these. We vision casted. We reflected. We reminisced. We laughed. We held hands. We talked. And talked. We were present in every moment together and we weren’t distracted by calls or text messages or agendas or requests or social media or ANYTHING!!!! It was MAGICAL!!!
I find that though I am present and active as a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, neighbor, volunteer, mentor etc. I have to be intentional about making time to go “offline.” This time that my husband and I spent was SO necessary. It was a perfect time to reflect on all that happened in 2018 and our goals and dreams for 2019. It was great to laugh at our mistakes yet reflect on God’s goodness. There were even moments of silence, when we just inhaled and rested in bliss.
I could go on and on about my short time at the Canyon a few days ago. It was truly one of the best days of my life. However, I have to be honest, after 42 years of life, I have come to understand how necessary these experiences are. I, on purpose, make plans to regularly dwell in places where I have no reception. If only for a couple hours a week or even for an hour a day, I retreat. I unplug. I “out of office.” Of course, it is not always at the amazing Grand Canyon, but perhaps on other hikes, or baths, or quiet drives, or star gazes, or the library or lake or whatever. I find it so therapeutic to take time to turn off the noise. To cancel the “all access pass” for a little while.
This year, I will be even more intentional about insuring a bit of quiet time. Though our days have been filled with what seems to be maximum productivity, we need to unwind. To unplug. To turn it off. I am SO much more productive when I get that period of peace. I hear God’s voice SO clearly. I am less agitated and so much more creative. I pray that while you are out conquering all the amazing adventures put before you, that you take time to exhale. That you embrace moments of beauty, rest and solitude. That you take time to dwell in places with no reception. During these moments, may your peace, joy and love be renewed and restored… HAPPY 2019 TO YOU!!!!


A Different Take on Giving This Christmas…

Ok. Before I get started, let me tell you what this is NOT. This is not some amazing philanthropic endeavor, or way to feed 10,000 families in a starving land. Honestly, I wish I was sharing that kind of news, but this is a much simpler idea I’d like to share to help spread the art of giving right in the four walls of your own home.

If your family is like mine, Christmas goes a little something like this: Mom pays careful attention to amazing details of her children. She has listened and taken stock of the desires of her family’s heart for the last 2-6 months. By the time the holidays roll around, she has an amazing list of all the great things she plans to buy. She then tells the hubby, who nods in appreciation and acceptance of these great ideas and after her thoughtful hunt and purchase, she then finds great wrapping paper, stockings and gift bags to present these lovely trinkets on Christmas day. Meanwhile, the kids are ESTATIC with anticipation for yet another joyful season of GETTING!!!! Christmas Day rolls around and Mom sits back and watches her successful gathering session pay off with excitement and happiness for a day where each member of the family feels like someone took the time to consider EXACTLY what THEY wanted, and made those wishes come true. Some amazing moms even yield the credit to a big man in a red suit as the benefactor of this great extravaganza… 🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼

WELL… after watching that scene for the last 17 years, our family has agreed to switch things up a bit. First of all, I have really been into the idea of enjoying experiences vs. THINGS. As I get older, I have come to realize how short-lived the happiness of obtaining items can really be. It is a plight that sends many into debt and even depression after realizing once you get “IT”, there is always a desire for MORE… “IT” is never enough…  and “IT” never gives the lasting high created by memories or experiences that leave a lasting impression, a lifelong memory or moments for reflection and growth. Over the years, I have come to replace high ticket items, technology, and great trinkets, with opportunities of adventure and togetherness.

While our family will take another trip this holiday season, we will still attempt to give them the “gift under the tree” experience, but this year it will be with a bit of a twist. This year we have set a spending budget of $400. Each member of our family will pull a name from our family of four. They will keep that name a secret. For the next several days THEY will conduct research on their person. They will study them. Listen to them. Consider the desires of their heart. On December 15th, we will wake up early and venture out to the mall. Each family member will get $100 in cash. They will then be responsible for searching for great gifts for their selected family member. As the mom, I will be on hand for advice or guidance if necessary, but it is up to them to make this a memorable experience for their person to enjoy on Christmas day.

I love this idea because it does several things:

  1. It allows EVERY member of the family to appreciate the art of GIVING as well as receiving. I SOOOO love to give. Though our family is a family of givers, I hope our children will see how great the entire giving experience is and make it a part of everyday life.
  2. It helps everyone appreciate and understand the importance of a budget. Though we would LOVE to give a lot more, we must spend according to what we have. Apple can’t determine that amount, we must. There is no joy in giving when you have to pay for it for the next several months. I love that we can share this experience together. Look for deals! Find the sales… Make that money stretch!
  3. It requires everyone to consider another’s desires over their own. They will have to conduct the necessary research in order to be successful in their experience. Too many times we are so wrapped up in our own wishes, we fail to consider anyone else’s.
  4. It takes the weight off one person producing for everyone. Though I thoroughly enjoy the Christmas hunt, purchase, wrap and presentation session, it is a joy I would like my family to practice as well. Especially as my kids are getting older, it will be imperative for them to learn the art of giving for their current and future relationships.
  5. It is a reminder that we all get things throughout the year… All the time!!! We can’t possibly buy EVERYthing for EVERYbody in one month… (Whoever came up with such an idea??? 🤔🤔🤔 lol!)
  6. It helps highlight the idea that the family trip is our true Christmas present. Our undivided time together and the adventures we will share will supersede any thing we could wrap and place under a tree.

As a country, the secularization of Christmas has created a “get” mentality in many of us. A lot of our giving is out of obligation vs. the genuine desire to share. Many of us go into debt to meet unrealistic expectations and fail to see the true beauty in what this amazing time of year is all about. While we will still decorate the tree and enjoy the lights and holiday music, I am hopeful to help create experiences that spread love, joy, peace and the true beauty of cheerful giving, (within a budget of course) that will help produce memories that last a lifetime. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Here’s to all the wonderful ways you choose to celebrate God’s love this holiday season! 😊😊😊😊😘😘😘

Photo: Bplans

Modesty With a Dash of FABULOUS

Modesty. A term that seems subjective. Similar to the word beautiful, or fabulous, we tend to think it’s parameters are in the hands or discretion of each individual.  A 15-year old’s idea of modesty is certainly different than that of a 65-year-old. Two totally different eras, right? Over time, we have dumbed this word down and replaced it with terms such as old-fashioned, Plain Jane, simplistic, and even boring.  However, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, modesty is defined as: “Behavior, manner, or appearance intended to avoid impropriety or indecency.”

Interestingly enough, a typical 65-year-old would look at today’s 15-year-old in shock of their form of modest apparel. My mother recently cared for our kids while we went out of town. During that time, she questioned the length of my daughter’s school running shorts, claiming they were too short. It is easy to blow that idea off with the thought that “she’s old.” “Clothing is very different these days.” “She can’t possibly understand.” However, as a society, we have grown to be less and less modest with our attire. Our blouses have gotten lower, shorts and skirts have gotten higher, holes have gotten larger and garments in general have gotten tighter.

I remember a family vacation a few years back when we went to the beach. I remember my then 11-year-old son swimming and playing in the sand and being exposed to hundreds of girls and ladies in skimpy string bikinis. This was new to him, because he had never seen me wear one and his sister was two years younger and had never worn anything like that either. It made me sad that he was basically surrounded by a bunch of girls in their bra and panties. That I had no way of shielding his eyes or thoughts from the images that were before him. That we have become so liberal as a people to feel comfortable enough to expose ourselves so freely.

I remember starting my teaching career when I was 21. My first year I taught 12th grade, which meant six of my classes were full of 18-year old’s. They would be exposed to me turning my back and writing on the chalkboard, bending down to help them with their assignments, or even walking through the class or hallway in a very tight setting. I got dressed each day with the thought that I didn’t want to hamper their focus. That though I wanted to be stylish and relevant, I would not be a distraction. A deterrent. A hindrance to their learning in any way. I didn’t need their attention on my butt. I didn’t want to win their approval through my breasts. I wanted to gain their respect. I wanted them to listen to me and pay attention to the lesson I was teaching. I used tools such as my smile, my kind heart, my genuine concern for their success to gain their trust and admiration.

After 15 years of teaching high school, though I may have had a few admirers here and there, I never knew about them. I never had a student disrespect me or treat me in an unprofessional manner. I attribute that to the way I carried myself. Over the years, I gained many accolades as a teacher, however, it was never attributed to my physical appearance. I firmly believe because of my stance on modesty and respect, it allowed many students to learn and become successful in my class.

I will always remember the admiration I felt for former first lady, Michelle Obama. She was the epitome of class. On every appearance she was beautiful. Very stylish. She drew the attention of everyone in the room and was ALWAYS fabulous. Though she was in shape, had a beautiful figure, we were never exposed to it. Similar to Meghan Markle, Joanna Gaines, Victoria Osteen, and others in the limelight, we can admire their beauty, talent and position without knowing their bra size. These women are esteemed by millions of people all over the world and they gained those positions honorably.

So, what does modesty look like? Does that mean we have to be frumpy? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It is being FABULOUS, yet not at the expense of causing the opposite sex to stumble. It is being confident without exposing your body parts to prove it. It is gaining attention, without someone’s lust used as the measuring tool. I’ve heard it said, “If you got it, flaunt it.” However, I maintain the idea of, if something is precious/valuable, conceal it. Protect it. Guard it. Our bodies are precious. They are not meant to be used as tools to bait attention. It is a sign of true insecurity. Be confident enough in yourself to know that you are worth more than a cheap stare, an inappropriate comment or lewd gesture.

Know that regardless your age, others are looking to you to define beauty. I realize my daughter is watching me.  I realize I must maintain integrity without compromise of style, especially since we hold her to the same standards. We are strategic with shopping and try to model these standards whether at the beach, church, gym, work or school.  I recently attended a formal event. Without trying, I selected a dress where my body was covered from neck to heel. Though that sounds SO frumpy, it was actually very classy. I was able to look and feel beautiful while honoring myself and my husband as well. I understand it may be challenging to find great clothing that is modest without the compromise of style, but it can definitely be done.  I try to shop brands such as Free People, Altert’d State, J.Crew, Anthropologie, Banana Republic, Lucky Brand, Old Navy, Gap and others that are more glowy and less showy. 😊

Modesty doesn’t have to disintegrate/diminish over time. We can continue to uphold the terms of it’s definition, even as styles and ideas advance.  Regardless the era, we need to let our pure heart be our greatest asset. Let it inspire our attire and behavior. Let it exude through our smile and style so much that we are indeed attractive, but for reasons that are pure and admirable, respectable and inspirational. When you know your worth, when you realize you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you won’t have to scream it from the rooftops, it will shine in every area of your life!!! Go get your shine on, Beautiful!!!! 😊

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Title image photo cred: Pinterest
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19 Year Anniversary: Fight or Flight???

My husband and I celebrated 19 years of marriage last weekend!!! It was truly a major milestone!! Both of us come from single parent homes and are really figuring this all out as we go. Nevertheless, over the years, I’ve had many people say they look to us (and other couples) and see their #marriagegoals, an awesome union, the perfect little family… I mean, I work from home, my husband has a great job, we live in a cute little house in the mountains, we have two awesome kids, we’re all healthy, we live debt-free, and we love God… I mean, we kayak on the weekends and eat at the dinner table together every night for goodness sake!!!! WHAT AN AWESOME LIFE, RIGHT????

I have to admit, though all those things are true, this year was probably one of our toughest. It shook our marriage to its very foundation and had us considering some hard-core questions. It wasn’t because any THING happened. Nobody cheated, nobody lost their job, we didn’t file for bankruptcy or suffer from some major illness. It wasn’t that at all. Honestly, I can’t attribute this wall we hit to anything specific. Perhaps a build up of a ton of tiny little things, or even small transitions over time. Perhaps the fact that we have two teenagers in our home, or that we live two hours away from most of our affiliations, maybe that we were both growing at two different speeds and… I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!! But whatever the case, the tension was mounting, we couldn’t see eye to eye on anything and the opportunities for disagreement seemed to abound.

This was heartbreaking, because, my husband and I have been best friends since I was 18 years old!!! Our connection has been so genuine and so rare. We do EVERYTHING together. We have SO much fun. We have an amazing history, and more importantly, what we have built and accomplished together is incredible.

Nonetheless, the devastation of our divergence took a toll on everything. It seemed like a dark cloud followed us everywhere we went. The fact that we knew the Word, that we had super friends, ministers and pastors we could turn to, we couldn’t even identify a problem to fix! I imagine this being the part in a person’s life where hopelessness sets in. Where you just say, “We grew apart,” “We just fell out of love,” “We decided to go our separate ways.” And though I admit, I was SOOOOOOOO frustrated and overwhelmed by the tension and stress, if you know me, you KNOW, I was NOT about to give up!!!!

19 YEARS!!!! 19 years of building life together. Making memories. Working through all other MAJOR obstacles. Building and growing. And most importantly, the kids. They were watching us. They were counting on us to step our game up and work this Word. To help them believe in the love we teach and preach about every day. NO SIR!!!! We could not let them down!

For the last several months I committed to doing my part in getting myself together. I read books and devotionals, talked to AMAZING friends, listened to teachings, filled my social media feed with encouragement and even created some alone time to focus on my own personal growth. I took the magnifying glass off my husband and put it on God. During this time, we still had disagreements. We still had rough days, but by now, my faith was so strong, I was confident that relief was on the way.

About that time, I saw an ad for a marriage conference come across my screen. It was called SPARK and it was being hosted by Joel Osteen in Houston, Texas. It just so happened to fall on our anniversary weekend. Though we had bought books to read together, committed to a marriage challenge and were both doing our own individual growth plans, we knew we needed something BIG to get us the proper tune-up. We both knew this conference was IT!!!!

My husband took care of all the accommodations and last week we flew to Houston for a life changing experience. We were in an auditorium with thousands of other couples. Newlyweds on up to people married for 50+ years. The atmosphere alone was inspiring, not to mention the amazing speakers and the wisdom they shared with all of us. My husband and I gleaned so much.  It was EVERYTHING we needed to get us back on track. We spent a couple extra days there just talking and refocusing. We got our first couple’s massage and did some of our old favorite things like walking on the beach, going out to eat, shopping, and just spending uninterrupted time alone to recharge and restore.

I considered how many couples experience hardships that cut deep, that shake the core of their marriage. Some of them have had affairs, suffered job loss, illness or even just hit a wall on their journey. It seems SOOOOOO much easier to quit. Like starting over would wipe away the deep pain they experience on a regular basis. “It’s not fair!”  “I don’t deserve this!”  “I can do better all by myself!” I get it!!! But quitting is NOT an option!!!! You have to FIGHT for your marriage! You made a promise before God and all the other witnesses that you would love each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. Now I know today contracts/covenants don’t hold the weight they once did, but that doesn’t make them any less weighty. What is the boundary on your “worse?” Does your “sickness” have a limit? Does “poorer” not include being unemployed for 6 months? We have to go the distance. We have to be committed to doing whatever is necessary to make this partnership work. No matter what.

Interestingly, when our brakes go out on our car, we don’t throw the entire car away. Most of us take it to the shop upon the first squeak. Some of us wait until the light grind, but we never just let the brakes go all the way out; and we don’t leave the car abandoned and go out and buy a new car, with new brakes. Yet too many times at the first sign of discomfort we are ready to trade in the old for “better.” Instead, we must be willing to do the regular maintenance necessary to keeping the car in tip-top shape. When it needs a tune up, tune it up. When it needs a small repair, do it. New cars are great, but their brakes wear down as well. They will need tune-ups as well.

People ask all the time how we made it 19 years. They see us and think we don’t have any real problems. We got it made. I have a GREAT husband, he has a GREAT wife. We don’t know struggle. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. We have our tough times. We have persevered through some MAJOR adversities. The difference is we have made a commitment to NEVER quit. We will take this baby to the shop over and over again. We will perform repairs and continual tune-ups over and over again. We will get up and fight every day to have the happy marriage we always dreamed about.

When times get tough, remember to give each other grace. Read a book, seek counsel, go to a conference, whatever is necessary to keep your marriage healthy and happy. Give your spouse the insurance policy that if he/she gains a few pounds, goes through menopause/post-partum depression, loses their job, gets sick, grows at a different pace, YOU will be right there fighting for them. Believing the best. Helping them win…TOGETHER, through the good and the bad.

No matter how tough it gets, there is grace for us to conquer our storms. And no matter what, quitting is NEVER an option!!!! As for me and my husband, we are going ALL THE WAY!!!! I am so grateful for 19 years and I am SO looking forward to the next 19!!! Here’s to you and your Happily Ever After…with your no- quittin’ self!!!

“I DON’T NEED TO BE FAMOUS…”

I was boutique shopping with a beautiful friend of mine the other day. She just so happens to be an awesome singer and a super favorite around our small town. The gal working the register, an obvious fan, noted “When are you gonna go on TV???!!! You are SOOOO good!!!!”

My friend responded with great modesty, true to her character, “I don’t need to be famous, I’m happy just playing my music here at home, with my people.”

I was so blessed by her response. I could TOTALLY relate. However, I could also understand how foreign her response was to the clerk. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be famous, right? Who wouldn’t want to be seen and adored by thousands, if not millions, right? Why not share your talent with as many people as you can, right?????

As a society, we’ve gotten to the place where more is better. Where all we do is measured by the number of likes, customers, product sold, people in the audience, etc. We crave acknowledgement, a certificate, pin, title, award, or some sort of notoriety for everything we do. We secretly want our content, our YouTube, blog post, picture, or even rant to go viral. We want to be discovered. We crave validation. Acceptance. And ultimately, love.

The problem with this is, in our plight to be noticed by the masses, we forfeit the journey of growing, learning and allowing God the chance to promote us in His timing. We spin our wheels and max out our resources to produce results, often times based on standards of another person’s success. We are so busy climbing ladders, grinding, and chasing a name, we miss out on the little opportunities to cultivate relationships that produce the lasting love that matters.

Within the last couple years, my singing friend retired from an awesome career in education to be at home full time with her family. Nope, she didn’t pack her bags and move to Hollywood, instead, she volunteers at the school, she helps her husband with his business, coaches her son’s basketball league and tends to her parents and elderly grandparents. When she gets a chance, she sings and plays guitar at local venues, festivals and weddings around town. But SHE is super ok with that. Currently, she doesn’t have a triple platinum album, she doesn’t have a Grammy on her wall, she won’t get Administrator of the Year this year, but in the meantime, her daughter has a friend she knows is always there when she needs her. She has a solid marriage of 17 years. She hasn’t missed a ballgame and is able to take her mom to her weekly check-ups at the doctor.

Perhaps if we get back to some of these things that really matter in this life, we will grow our character. We will develop the characteristics necessary to sustaining greater levels of success. We will have a true support system of people who love us and look out for our best interest along the way. We will have made major impact on individuals and created memories throughout.

I’m not saying give up the pursuit of greater or abort taking your talent and visions to their highest level possible. Go get your Grammy!!!! Just don’t let it be at the expense of the things that truly matter. Don’t let it be an attempted replica of someone else’s journey. Many of the people we all admire, follow on Instagram, and see adorned by millions, go to bed lonely with no one they can truly trust. When their career ends, they have no one by their side. No trusted companions or skills to help them sustain or recover their achievement.

As you pursue your purpose, trust in God’s ability to customize the experience for YOU. Put your best foot forward in everything you do because it will ALWAYS lead to greater. Be sure to enjoy the growth that happens during the journey and develop and cherish relationships with the people in your life right now. You will find, their love is better than the superficial love that comes from the masses. The mountaintop is so much better when you get their whole, with great people on your team, with true love in your heart, and with God leading the way. Until then, sing your heart out and enjoy each time you perform in your hometown, post your best blogs if only for an audience of 100, and rock out that business from the ground up … You’ll get your Grammy soon enough… While you’re at it… enjoy the journey!!!

Proverbs 16:9

CHOOSE JOY: How to Overcome a Season of The Blues… (My Journey Through The Valley)

Ok, so it has been a couple months since I posted. I wish I could tell you it was because I was out enjoying my journey to the fullest. But if I can be honest with you, it was actually just the opposite. I was in the dumps, overcoming the blues… my peace was under attack and I have to tell you, it was a major struggle. Though it took just about 2 months, now that I have come to see the light, so to speak, now that I am back, I want to share what I have learned from my experience. Because let’s face it, we all have our rough patches, walk through valleys, experience pain and drama and let downs. And though I consider myself one tough cookie, and a pretty happy person, sometimes, these occurrences/circumstances/ordeals/setbacks/rough patches can indeed try to steal our joy. Sometimes these situations are devastating and a mere “suck it up buttercup” just won’t do.

For an example, surely you can have a bad day at work, or a heated exchange with your spouse, or leave your favorite scarf at the restaurant, or your kid gets a bad grade on his report card and this can be super frustrating. However, you can make a few adjustments, take a few deep breaths and bounce back soon after. But what about the more devastating experiences???? The big blows that throw you off your rocker, that shake your entire world. Like a death of a loved one, a CONTINUAL exchange with your spouse, a child who is perpetually in trouble, a job loss, a bad medical report, etc… How can we overcome the devastation that comes with these situations, especially when there is minimal evidence the circumstance will change?

Well without going into the details of my ordeal, I will confide some of the ways I was able to get my joy back and how I plan to maintain it. First of all, I realized quickly that my mind was completely filled with sadness, frustration, and even anger. Once that happened, there was no room for me to see anything with the right perspective. EVERYTHING seemed wrong. Everyone was bad. My efforts were worthless. Nothing had value to me. There was a fog clouding my mind and because of it, my vision was blurred. My perspective was off. Regardless of the fact that I otherwise had a pretty great existence, I literally could not see that. I was consumed by my grief. Overwhelmed by my doubt. Immersed with fear and frustration. I WAS going to church, I WAS reading the bible, I was doing all that blah, blah, blah. But my situation was there every day looking at me in the face like a huge dark cloud of reality and all I could do was roll around in it with self-pity assuming it would never get better.

So, let’s start there. Let’s assume that your situation doesn’t get better. Maybe that child won’t come to his senses for 5 more years, the bankruptcy has left you with bad credit for 7 years, your spouse won’t get the job he’s been believing for for another 5 months… how can you keep your spirits up? I submit that though those situations can bring devastation to you and your need for control, your peace and joy cannot be contingent upon them getting better. Once I came to that realization, operation Get My Joy Back, was in full swing!!! Here are the four steps I took to help me stop, drop and roll out of my gloom.

  1. Eliminate the waste/Take out the trash: In order to get rid of my stinkin’ thinkin’ I had to get rid of the negative influences that were clouding my vision.  It wasn’t deep. I mean, I don’t hang around or have regular exposure to negative people, but I had to eliminate the subtle contact. Like the images on social media, some of the TV shows, the songs, news, and even the conversations with people who were regularly complaining about their own drama. It was too much. Some of those songs will have you ready to jump off the mountain you are supposed to be moving!!!! They will subliminally fill your head with images and ideas that are not related to you. For example, some of the regular commercials on TV will make you think EVERYONE is depressed, EVERYONE has cancer, EVERYONE’S man cheats on them!!!! SOOOOO NOT TRUE!!!! TURN IT ALL OFFFFFF!!!!! TUNE IT ALLLLL OUT!!!! Those images will only hinder your path to mental clarity and set you back miles on your journey.
  2. On the contrary, immerse your mind with positive: Pretend your mind is a cup. As much as you possibly can, overload that cup with positive images, messages, thoughts, words, ideas and people. During my time in the valley, I ordered 4 new books, read great magazines, followed several sites that uploaded positive quotes and images, watched a series of faith-based movies, listened to Joel Osteen every time I got in the car, listened to uplifting music and conversed with positive people.  It is SOOO easy to want to call your best buddy and unload your issue on them. Often times they will even help you sit in your stew. But I connected with a friend of mine who challenged me. Who encouraged me. She helped me lift my spirits and help me get my eyes on what was important. Surround yourself with positivity. Great sources that will help center your focus upward.
  3. Minister to yourself: I know this is so cliché, but I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant went through the whole spiel about “securing your oxygen mask FIRST before trying to take care of others’…” That really spoke to me. It is SOOOOO important that we minister to ourselves, not only during the tough times, but REGULARLY. I dare say, EVERY DAY!!!! During my frustration, I went to the movies, went on long walks, had some quiet book reading in the coffee shop, took long hot baths, went window shopping, baked, and even went on a weekend getaway with just myself. Whatever you enjoy doing, which more than likely, you have somehow forfeited… DO IT!!!! It is therapeutic. It is necessary. These are the things that help you ENJOY life and should not take a back seat to busyness. Furthermore, intentionally doing some of these things on a regular basis, is a great way to stay out of the rough patch.
  4. SEEK THE LORD: Jesus is the ultimate supplier of joy! Seek Him first thing every single day! I personally don’t answer a text, a call, open social media, exchange with humans at all until AFTER I pray and read the Word/devotional each morning. If you don’t have a daily regimen or don’t know where to start, Pray in the shower. Download the Bible App on your phone. Read a chapter of the bible a day. Find a devotional that ministers to you. Get a good bible based book. Whatever the case, I have found that no person, no thing, no idea, no quote, no method can renew my strength, feed my spirit, restore my joy like Jesus. No house, no spouse, no clothing, no weight loss, no achievement, no surgery, no drug, no degree, or pursuit can provide the lasting joy like a relationship with Christ. Once I surrendered my worry, doubt, frustration, fear, anger and sadness over to Him. Once I took my hands off the wheel and released the need for control, I was able to allow His peace, hope, joy, faith, and love to fill my heart completely. And the best part is, He was right there all along. When He has preeminence in your life, it is difficult for outside forces to get in…

Now. Does that mean that we will never experience a rough patch ever again? Of course not. But I am confident that as I used these steps to recover my joy, if I make them a regular practice, I can use them to maintain my joy, regardless what the circumstances are around me. No doubt life can be tough. We have a TON going on and so many things coming at us each day. However, joy is a choice. It is contingent upon nothing other than our decision to activate it… Here’s to getting back out there and making the decision to ENJOY EVERY DAY OF YOUR JOURNEY!!!! As for me… I CHOOSE JOY.

 

Photo cred: Stephanie Archer

18 WAYS WE MADE IT 18 YEARS… AN ANNIVERSARY REFLECTION.

Today I celebrate my 18th wedding anniversary!!!! WOWZERS!!!! It’s hard to believe it has been that long, but what an INCREDIBLE adventure indeed. Especially jumping into marriage at 22, my husband and I grew up together. We have raised 2 children, traveled the world, bought and sold property, developed businesses, paid off debt, overcome challenges and setbacks, and learned SOOOOO much along the way. The best part about it, is that we did it all TOGETHER!!!!! And more importantly, with God at the forefront the entire time. We are by no means perfect, sooooo far from it. We have DEFINITLY had our challenges, but we are committed to growing and getting better and better as we go. Over the years many people ask, how do we stay together? How do we keep the love alive? Well, I truly believe that the secret sauce to a successful marriage is doing it according to the bible. Marriage is created by God. It is a sacred covenant between you and Him and when done in line with His Word, it can be the greatest journey of our lives. In honor of 18 years, I reflected on 18 specific things that I believe has kept our marriage blissful.

  1. Seek Godly/professional counsel during the tough times. Sometimes you just need a 3rd party who can shed light/Godly wisdom on an issue that neither of you can seem to agree on. We have sought counsel on several occasions during our marriage and it helped us regain our focus.
  2. Travel/ride through beautiful neighborhoods/test drive nice cars/connect with people you admire/try new foods… DREAM BIG!!!! It sets the tone for “the possible.” We are not called to settle and be stagnant. Step outside your comfort zone and dream/vision cast together. We do this ALLLLL the time. It is so much fun to explore the AMAZING possibilities that await.
  3. Do as many things as you can TOGETHER. Pretty much, if you see me, you see my husband and/or the kids. We are always together. We LOVE being TOGETHER. We grocery shop, walk, ride, go to basketball games, read, eat, worship, do yard work, etc. TOGETHER. We are a team. It makes EVERYTHING enjoyable.
  4. Divide chores and tasks evenly among each other. Because we are all stakeholders in this estate, we work together to help it run smoothly. He has strengths and so do I. We use them daily to help take care of the needs of our home/family in a balanced way so that no one is overloaded.
  5. Build your budget on one salary. Even though for a while we had 2 incomes coming in, it made it that much easier to transition into me stepping away from my job (both times) because we ALWAYS set our budget and spending on his salary. This takes the pressure off when babies come into the equation or any other demands that will require one of you to reduce work or step away from the job.
  6. Get out of debt and stay out. We eliminate the main area of contention when we don’t have enormous amounts of debt lingering over our heads. It takes such a load off and allows for great freedom to not have to use every dollar we make paying a bill. SOOO worth the sacrifice.
  7. Take vacation time. We go on at least 1 major trip and several weekend getaways each year. We enjoy the time SO much and it helps us recalibrate for all the great adventures ahead.
  8. Go on a date regularly. We go out at least once a week. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but just getting dressed and out keeps the party pumpin’!!!
  9. Put the kids to bed!!! Many people allow the kids to stay up late, sleep in their bed etc. We never did that. The kids have a bed time. We spend a TON of time with them every day. But when it is bedtime, they go to bed. That leaves time for us to have some time each day as well.
  10. You build your family, let God build your enterprises. Though we have goals and dreams, we are careful not to rush them at the expense of our marriage and/or family. Enterprise and businesses will come. However, these precious moments to raise our kids and build a strong foundation takes time, effort and dedication. It is our #1 priority.  We leave the work at the office…
  11. Pray together daily. Though we pray and have our time with God each day independently, we also pray together as a family each day. It sets the standard in our home that God is the head. It helps us keep our hearts on him FIRST.
  12. See and celebrate each other’s differences as additions/bonuses to what you lack individually. Though I am super outgoing and passionate, Mike is laid back and calm. This helps complete the package vs. creating a source of division. Differences are assets.
  13. Keep a thankful journal. I write in a thankful journal every night. Often times when I get frustrated or FORGET how great my husband is, or how great things are in our life, I can look back on years of great things that have happened to me EVERY SINGLE DAY and it INSTANTLY gets my mind right back into perspective.
  14. Take a MILLION pictures, keep records, make playlists of moments during the journey that you can regularly reflect upon. It goes SO fast and there are SO many monumental adventures to cherish. They will help keep a smile in your heart.
  15. Build your foundation on the Word. Avoid TV shows, movies, songs, examples of marriages that don’t line up with the Bible. This thing IS NOT miserable. Instead, it is SOOOOO much fun, when done God’s way. (ie. Love is patient, kind… does not dishonor others… is not easily angered… keeps no record of wrongs… etc) Look in the right places for wisdom and examples of marriage.
  16. Look good for each other, KEEP IT TIGHT!!! Lol!!! Put on your make-up, workout, dress nicely, be sexy for him/her as much as possible. Reinvent your game and stay SPICY!!!
  17. Spend time growing spiritually, mentally, emotionally, etc. as an individual to offer your best to the union. Read books, attend conferences, invest in yourself regularly in you can be a strong and healthy teammate.
  18. Last but CERTAINLY not least: Acknowledge that DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION. I KNOW times get tough. I mean TOUGH. But (with the exception of infidelity/abuse), it can be worked out. If you fight for your marriage, and don’t give any outside force a foothold, together you and your husband can put 10,000 to flight. Love never fails. I am thoroughly convinced!!!

Whew!!!! Aren’t you glad we haven’t been married 40 years!!! Lol!!! You would be reading forever!!! Lol!!!! I am thrilled to share this awesome ride with my best friend. We are having a BLAST!!! We have built something SO special and I am committed to seeing it through to forever. I hope some of the items on this list are a blessing to you. It was a fun reflection for me. Thanks for reading it!!! May you experience all the joys of an awesome union!!! Here’s to Happily Ever After…

THE SLUMBER PARTY POOPER: A Quick MUST- READ for EVERY Parent…

It’s the end of summer… the kids are getting older, they want to kick it with a few friends on the weekend, or perhaps you just need some well-deserved RELIEF… Tis the season for a good old fashioned, harmless sleepover. I mean, you’ve known this family for years, or better yet, they ARE family, and your daughter has a cell phone in case of emergencies… AND you have equipped her well with “the talk!” Surely, all things will be fine right????… Not so fast.

For this blog post, I will address a subject that is near and dear to my heart. It may be difficult to receive, or even believe. But if it slows you down, or helps you consider your decisions more thoughtfully, well… mission accomplished.

As a friend, teacher, and parent I have counseled many young women who have been the victim of rape, molestation or sexual assault some time in their life. Studies show that 1 in 5 will have some experience in their lifetime. Contrary to popular belief, it is rare that a stranger off the street, will kidnap and violate his victims. But more so, it is the distant cousin, uncle, family friend, neighbor etc. at which the innocence is compromised. Too many times, it happens during the sleepovers/camps/weekend trips/family reunions, when our children are most vulnerable. When our guard is down because of the trust we have given to the people in our camp.

Here’s a typical example: You let your daughter go to her cousin’s house for the weekend. I mean, this is your sister!!! She would NEVER let anything happen to your daughter. Besides, her daughter is your daughter’s best friend. They are the same age and have grown up together. This situation seems completely harmless. However, you didn’t consider the fact that your nephew is now 16. It’s Friday, and he has a couple friends over. Maybe they aren’t perfect angels, but they are boys… they are teenagers… and… well… You get my point. Or perhaps your brother-in-law has a few guys over to play pool. They are drinking a bit, but nothing crazy. I mean, your sister is right there. TRUST ME… I get it.

But as a victim myself, I can tell you, it only takes 10 minutes to steal the innocence of a child. As a matter of fact, one touch, one look, exposure to sexual sin, can completely obliterate your child’s image of God’s holy, beautiful, sacred act forever. Furthermore, many former victims of a sexual violation/deviation, have changed their entire perception of themselves, others and their sexuality; leaving them with bouts of depression, low self-esteem, promiscuity, and a disgust for heterosexual relationships and intercourse all together.

With the level of pornographic images on TV, magazines, the Internet at an easy grab, it seems to only exploit the sexual appetite, which promotes a stronger drive for sexual deviance now more than ever. We must be super proactive in our awareness of this potential threat and let it govern our decisions regarding overnight/home-alone/babysitting experiences. I am certainly not trying to scare you. But perhaps increase your awareness to avoid potential unwanted behavior.

As a parent, here are some simple ideas to help:

  1. Of course, give your child “the talk.” No matter their age or gender, they should know that there are areas of their body that are OFF LIMITS!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!!! That if anyone were to EVER touch them there, they should get away and get help IMMEDIATELY.
  2. You should maintain an open line of safe communication where your child knows they can come to you and freely ask questions and seek advice at any time. Create this exchange by giving them your undivided attention, time and concern at will. A safe place where they can share their most sacred thoughts without judgement or penalty.
  3. Be mindful of your child’s whereabouts at all times. Not just where they are. But who else is there? Make regular check-ups to evaluate the security of this place. This includes after school practices, pick-ups and drop-offs etc.
  4. Let your presence be made known. Your child and all parties involved should know and feel your presence. Be active in calling-in, asking questions, and showing up. Even if the kids are playing in the basement, there should be a natural understanding that you are on the scene and will make an appearance in some way shape or form. Of course, you shouldn’t be “Stalker-Mom” or anything, but you must be “there” if only through a FaceTime, phone call, drop-in exchange.

There are so many great benefits to giving our children some time away from home. There are so many great social experiences to be had and memories to create. Nevertheless, we as parents must be aware of the potential threats that can bring harm to our children and act accordingly. If we are mindful of these simple steps, we can help prevent a lifetime of heartache.

CONFIDENCE LIKE A BEAUTY QUEEN

I remember watching the Miss USA, Miss America and even Miss Universe pageants as a young girl. It was one of my fondest childhood memories. I have even incorporated watching the various pageants as a staple event for my own daughter and I to enjoy together each year.  Similarly to the way most men enjoy the Super Bowl, NBA Finals etc. the game itself is nothing new. One great player replaces another, the underdog makes a winning comeback, the game never gets old. With the pageants, obviously, there is a new lineup of beautiful faces, wearing beautiful gowns and performing or answering a challenging question, but for me, what I enjoy most is watching these ladies exude the highest form of confidence. I mean, think about what it must take to walk in a swimsuit, perform a talent, and answer an impromptu question in front of an audience of thousands of live fans, and millions of TV viewers, all while maintaining the highest level of elegance, grace and poise. WOW!!!

Last week, my dear friend and former Miss USA (1990), Carole Gist, invited me to to attend the live taping of the Miss USA Pageant in Las Vegas. It was an experience I will never forget. I was surrounded by some of the most beautiful women I had ever seen, wearing the most elegant attire, with the most stunning hair, makeup, and accessories. But once again, I couldn’t help but notice the confidence required to be successful at this level of competition. Where does this confidence come from? How can you possibly answer on the spot, “What is your idea of feminism and what does it mean to you?” with 6 inch heels, a gown worth thousands of dollars, a face full of makeup, 10 cameras in your face all in 30 seconds????? I mean, their voice didn’t crack, their knees didn’t buckle, they didn’t stumble, fumble, or waver.

It made me consider the idea that though most of us will never be competitors in the next Miss Universe Pageant, we can, and should still operate in the highest level of confidence and excellence every single day of our lives. But how? Many people today are plagued by the tragedies of their past, by deep feelings of inferiority, by the comparison game and by thoughts of not being good enough. They wear these feelings like badges on their sleeve or camouflage them with high price items, makeup, degrees, name brand clothes, cars, or other things to fill the void of their deep insecurities.  The insanity of that venture is that it never seems to pan out. “I will feel pretty enough if I could just get down to a size 4… If I could just have bigger breast…If I could sing as good as her… The endless plight of getting to a size 4 is only met with yet another point of displeasure and the target is shifted elsewhere.

We all have our points of improvement, parts of our past we wish we could reverse, elements of our appearance we would like to re-sculpt, but this cannot be the measurement that determines our self-worth. Our value is not defined by images on TV, a number on a scale, the tempo at which others are moving, the number of months we breast fed our kids, the length of our hair, or the income we earn.

I’m here to tell you: YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!!! No matter what your Mama told you, how your last husband treated you, how many “wrong things” you think you did, how heavy you are, how many scars you have, how many times you failed… YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. God loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. RIGHT NOW. And His love covers your past, covers the molestation, the bad break-ups, the abuse, the lies, the negative comments, the thoughts of inferiority. His love is BIGGER.

When you walk into a room, better than a super hero, you are backed by the acceptance of a God who thought you were important enough to die for. Knowing this should make you hold your head up. Should make you wear a perpetual smile, radiate the beauty of acceptance. Should make you stand tall. Should make you look each obstacle in the eye and tackle it with ease.

Sure, we can all stand to grow. It is imperative that we spend time in the Word daily to constantly improve and become more and more like Christ, but know, that right now, you are already good enough. You are worthy.

I pray that today and every day, you understand your value and how much you are SO loved. I pray that you wear your crown of royalty, that you glide down your runways with grace and poise, that you EXUDE the confidence of a beauty queen and radiate like the royalty you are!!! If the maker of the universe accepts and loves you… who cares what ANY one else has to say about it…

photo: Washington Examiner

THE “RACE CARD” IS COMPLETELY MAXED OUT!!!!

I was in the store with my son and daughter waiting to be checked out the other day when suddenly I heard a very abrupt, loud, out of control screaming, cussing and straight-up foolery break out.  The customer in front of us was VERY upset that her small number of items resulted in a bill totaling $29. After an awkward silence, the clerk responded with a casual “I don’t make the prices, I just work here.” The customer LOST IT!!!!!! She apparently felt disrespected during her time of vulnerability and she spewed out cuss words I haven’t heard in YEARS!!!! Called the clerk all kinds of horrible names, insulted her “minimum wage job” and had to be physically restrained (by her husband) from going over the counter to assault the cashier!!!  Though her behavior and words (in front of children) were disgraceful, what got me was when she called the clerk a “racist @$%%$##@&!!!!” I was completely embarrassed. Yes, she was visiting an all-white town, yes there are ignorant people in our world, but being black did not give her a license to act in an unbecoming manner, evoke a rational response, only to be met with the RACE CARD!!!! Race had absolutely nothing to do with this. But too often it is at the forefront of almost all current disputes, acts of violence and discussions and many times it is unwarranted.

I must admit I currently live in a predominately white town, my kids attend a predominately white school, and half my family is white. However, I have attended and taught in mostly black schools, lived in all black neighborhoods and half my family is also black. I’ve communed alongside some of the most amazing people; black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Jewish… you name it. I am indeed educated, I have directly benefited from some of the great opportunities our country offers, and have never been denied access to any of my many pursuits and achievements. Unfortunately, with all the great strides that have been made for equality, we seem to be more divided now than ever before. Nevertheless, we will never change the face of stereotypes by perpetuating the very behaviors and images that seem to plague our brains through history, unfortunate experiences, media etc…

I am privileged to be biracial, though I have personally never subscribed to the black/white thing. It is simply a means to separate God’s creation. However, whatever entity we may subscribe to, we have the responsibility to represent that with excellence. If we want to change the way we are viewed and treated, it starts right with our daily walk, with our regular interactions and our unfamiliar encounters. We need to put the race card away!! As far as I am concerned, if someone choses to be racist, it has ZERO impact on me. They have no true power/authority to influence any part of my life. Therefore, it is their problem, not mine. In the meantime, we need to take the magnifying glass off the problem and become the solution. The resolution is simple. WALK IN LOVE!!

Everyone has a history we may not understand. It is easy to see others through our own perspective and experiences. It is easy to look at a man with a bushy beard, a worn Harley black leather jacket and a confederate flag bandana on his head and make an assumption. But why? He is a small business owner, grandfather of 3, husband of 29 years and devout southerner. My husband is black, 6’4, has on a baseball cap and worn sweaty t-shirt and big gym shoes but has to make a quick stop at the store. Based on the images seen on TV and various experiences, a visitor in our town may be inclined to clutch their purse harder and become aware of the potential threat he may pose.  She would never know he is a senior robotics engineering manager for a major corporation, father of 2, and a minister of music who finished taking his 14-year-old daughter to the rec center to play basketball and stopped for a gallon of almond milk to make kale smoothies in the morning for breakfast. However, it is his responsibility to make sure if he doesn’t want people to grab their purse in his presence, that he is not sagging his pants, riding off from the store blasting obscene music, cussing on the phone to one of his boys like he is the only one in the store. Instead, why not smile? Greet people as they come in his presence? Walk with his daughter throughout the store with the proud glow that any parent can recognize?  But most importantly exude the love of Christ in excellence.

Though it may seem an undue charge, (I mean, who has time for all that) it is a bill we all have to pay. If we want people to treat us beyond the horrible images they know, we have to reinvent that image. We have to walk in the universal language that breaks down walls and is understood by everyone. We must remember that race, religion, gender, etc.… does not give us a free pass to behave out of character. Unfortunately, I believe the angry customer I mentioned earlier went to jail. She will leave this experience believing that she was wrongfully treated and feel some sort of justification for her behavior. Instead of acknowledging that she not only hurt herself, she only confirmed the beliefs of many of the people in the store that day, which only hindered the overall plight of everyone.  Let us all do our part to extend a bit of grace to our fellow brothers and sisters. Let us treat others as we would like to be treated. Let us walk in love. Let us put away the race card and BE THE CHANGE WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. 😊

You’re Going to Poop the Rest of Your Life… What’s the Rush????

Ok, so I am currently smack dab in the middle of one of the most challenging experiences of my life… I am teaching my 15-year-old son how to drive!!!!!! OOOMMMGGGG!!!! For the most part, I am a pretty calm kinda gal. However, this adventure has required a level of patience like I’ve never experienced before.

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Forget the fact that I am still in awe that I have a child who is old enough to drive anyway! I mean, it feels like we were watching episodes of Little Bill, playing Beyblades and building Lego figures just yesterday!!!! Nevertheless, of course when he told me he was enrolled in Driver’s Ed, had to get his learner’s permit, and actually start operating a real motor vehicle, I had to rise to the challenge and help teach him the simple art of driving, right????? UUUUUUMMMM…. NO!!! This thing is INTENSE!!!! Like most people, I’m sure, we started off in the parking lot, moved to dirt roads, and have now advanced to two lane streets; however, it has taken several weeks (and a few missed stop signs) to get here!!!

Though we have been practicing about 3-5 times weekly, it occurred to me, that unfortunately my son is nowhere near the place where he can have his driver’s license and operate a vehicle on his own any time soon. Now that doesn’t mean I will stop working with him. I plan to work with him almost every day until he reaches his goals, however, rather than risk his, ours, or others’ lives, I have come to accept the fact that he needs A LOT more practice and it will probably be much longer than the 2 months he has left until he completes his driver’s training and turns 16.

For some, automatically this would spell failure. I have to admit, my determination for him being successful was what drove my anxiety and frustration. How could we (ultimately, I) fail to meet such a huge milestone? Then it occurred to me, so many of us are governed by the “milestone timeline.” The idea that things must be done according to the majority of the population. That timeline looks like this: You should graduate college by 21, get married by 24-26, pregnant by 30. Baby should be walking by 1, potty-trained by 2, reading by 4. They should be in the gifted and talented group, they should be in 3-5 different athletic or fine arts activities to prepare for scholarships (in 10 years!!!) and the list goes on and on. And OH MY GOSH!!!! YOU ARE 33 AND NOT MARRIED????? What is wrong with you???? We measure ourselves and our successes by our ability to meet these timelines. But I have an important question: WHO set the timelines? What substance or weight do they really hold in the big grand scheme?

I mean, think about it: does it really matter if your baby walks at 14 months instead of 12? Or for heaven sakes, they are SUPER SUPER special if they start walking at 9 months!!! I mean they would qualify for the “Baby Who Walked First Award” right???? Is that any indication of their intellect? Their ability or lack thereof? Or is it merely a source of pride for parents to brag and post that their AMAZING child has passed the test and is READING A BOOK AT AGE 1!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!! Really????? WHO CARES????

Trust me. I am not making light of us achieving goals for our lives or our children’s lives. However, we must make sure they don’t govern our happiness or reflection of our success. We can’t be filled with feelings of failure if our lives don’t line up with the world’s timeline. You, me, our children were fearfully and wonderfully made. One of a kind. God broke the mold when he made you! Don’t look to the left or the right to determine where you should fit on the marker. RUN YOUR RACE! In all things, we have to seek God for His direction and His timing for the purpose and plan for our life. His ways are so much higher than ours. While we are rushing to marry this man because “I’m getting old and pretty soon I won’t be able to have kids” we settle for less than what He has for us because we are on some crazy time schedule! Because everyone else has a house by “this age,” we go into ridiculous amounts of debt to stay on top of it. We become overly anxious because our kid may not be ready to drive until he is 17…or even 18 and we lose sight of such a great learning experience.

Whatever the case, don’t allow this undo pressure to force a speed race in any area of your life. Slow down and enjoy the journey that is necessary for full completion. Lean not unto your own understanding… let God direct and order your steps and you will always end up on top, finishing at a time suitable for YOU based on HIS timeline.  Ultimately, you/your child will drive, walk, read, talk, poop, for the rest of their life… No need to rush this awesome process!!!

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